My dear Beloveds, with my ruling planet as Mars, I have spent most of my life confronting my relationship with my inner wounded masculine. In a therapy session in my inner 20’s it was revealed to me that I was immensely triggered by men who were in authority, particularly the “white male” who was predominantly at that time and “still is” the ruling patriarch of humanity that we all have to live up to. The patriarch who’s ideals, values, belief systems that we as women have to live up to.
In varsity, I majored in motion picture cinematography, a short black chick with hardly any muscle in my body. Born with a Chiron in my first house, my self worth was extremely violated as a child, this childhood wound I carried most of my adult life, which led me to “always prove” that I can do anything a man can do and even better. If my self worth was confronted, I would blow a very short fuse, especially with “men in authority”. I remember my second year in varsity throwing a tantrum at my cinematography lecture, all the office doors open, screaming, shouting at this “white male authority” that I felt was not giving me a chance, he wasn’t creating the environment in which I could thrive. I told him that he was not supporting me and was sabotaging me and trying to prove that I will never be enough. Plus, if I flunked the year, where would I get the money to repeat the year? This white man doesn’t understand how I don’t come from a super privileged background and can’t afford to fail.” I remember him responding to me, “I can’t be your teddy bear”.
This continued to be a pattern that played out through my 20’s. Seeking expectance from the masculine authority, seeking validation, approval, love through acts of bending over backwards to prove “I’m a winner” and I can fit into this patriarchal paradigm. By the time that I was 24 years old, I was a senior creative director a top ranking award winning show, continuing to show up for the status quo that we all feel we have to live up to. But I was constantly in a war zone with the very men I was seeking approval from, I was burning out, neglecting my needs, having to many unrealistic expectations of myself, that lead to the “all or nothing” complex, which meant that when there were set backs and mistakes, I directly went straight from “I am great” to “I am a failure, I’m not good enough because I dint get it right. Eventually I gave up on myself because I could not keep up this facade of a reality that I had created in my head. I gave up on myself because I could not be perfect. I did not except the mistakes I had made or understood that they were lessons that supported my soul evolution…so I continued to “give up on myself”.
We have just experienced the new moon in libra, which is about finding the balance between the masculine and feminine. This new moon in libra was conjunction with the planet Mars, on a retrograde, which again led me to have an interesting encounter with a male figure that I unconsciously held in authority. He was not portraying the authority, but through my childhood trauma I had projected this image of “not failing the patriarch” onto this man, and when he merely did not see things the way I had unconsciously wanted him to( again sooo desperately seeking validation and expectance from the masculine) it became such a massive trigger for me. Feeling deep inside that I wasn’t good enough. I know that a big part of me no longer seeks that validation, and because this is a retrograde I had the capacity to release deeper layers of low self worth from childhood traumas and allow myself the space in this new moon to release, to engage my heart chakra, to mourning all the years that I didn’t feel supported by the masculine while replacing that with the love, acceptance and support that the Divine masculine, what the True king wants to offer me.
I have for a number of years now been working with the Avatar Lord Yeshua to support me to heal the wounding with my inner masculine and have seen a radical shift in my life. In my 30’s I receive so much support from the divine masculine. I have owned up to the inner patriarchy within myself, my own inner tyranny that was so hard on me, I unleashed this wrath and disapproval on myself because I had not taken the responsibility of healing the relationship with my inner wounded masculine. Always blaming men, the father of our children, our partners for our own unhappiness and not awakening to the power of the masculine within ourselves that can hold everything that we desire & need. We seek that unconsciously outside of ourselves because we are holding the imbalance within ourselves. We will mirror what we hold within ourselves. I am committed to nurturing the relationship with inner masculine, to let go of the resentment towards my father and all men on the planet, knowing that they too have been fathered by the tyrannical king that consumes both men and women. Toxic masculinity plays out through all of us, and we all have to take responsibility, which is often hard to wake up to. It is the rude awakening, because all of a sudden you can no longer continue to blame your husband or the father of your children for the dynamics that play out in your life. This is what the mars conjunction has brought up for myself and for humanity at this time and I hope that for each and everyone of you, you are able to return to you inner masculine and say I an ready to commit to create a new relationship founded on the truth of who we really are rather than the “false” views of what humanity, religion and society has about the role of the masculine and feminine.
If you want to delve into deeper work with me and learn all about how you can heal with the Divine Masculine, please contact me at tSholoa@gmail.com or follow this link for more information regarding the 5 week on one one program that supports you to heal your relationship with the wounded masculine by being supporting by the Divine Masculine and the avatar Yeshua. https://www.sacredfemininemystic.com/bookings-checkout/healing-with-the-divine-masculine?referral=service_list_widget
With all my love