Healing with The Divine Masculine
My dear Beloveds, with my ruling planet as Mars, I have spent most of my life confronting my relationship with my inner wounded masculine. In a therapy session in my inner 20’s it was revealed to me that I was immensely triggered by men who were in authority, particularly the “white male” who was predominantly at that time and “still is” the ruling patriarch of humanity that we all have to live up to. The patriarch who’s ideals, values, belief systems that we as women have to live up to.
In varsity, I majored in motion picture cinematography, a short black chick with hardly any muscle in my body. Born with a Chiron in my first house, my self worth was extremely violated as a child, this childhood wound I carried most of my adult life, which led me to “always prove” that I can do anything a man can do and even better. If my self worth was confronted, I would blow a very short fuse, especially with “men in authority”. I remember my second year in varsity throwing a tantrum at my cinematography lecture, all the office doors open, screaming, shouting at this “white male authority” that I felt was not giving me a chance, he wasn’t creating the environment in which I could thrive. I told him that he was not supporting me and was sabotaging me and trying to prove that I will never be enough. Plus, if I flunked the year, where would I get the money to repeat the year? This white man doesn’t understand how I don’t come from a super privileged background and can’t afford to fail.” I remember him responding to me, “I can’t be your teddy bear”.
This continued to be a pattern that played out through my 20’s. Seeking expectance from the masculine authority, seeking validation, approval, love through acts of bending over backwards to prove “I’m a winner” and I can fit into this patriarchal paradigm. By the time that I was 24 years old, I was a senior creative director a top ranking award winning show, continuing to show up for the status quo that we all feel we have to live up to. But I was constantly in a war zone with the very men I was seeking approval from, I was burning out, neglecting my needs, having to many unrealistic expectations of myself, that lead to the “all or nothing” complex, which meant that when there were set backs and mistakes, I directly went straight from “I am great” to “I am a failure, I’m not good enough because I dint get it right. Eventually I gave up on myself because I could not keep up this facade of a reality that I had created in my head. I gave up on myself because I could not be perfect. I did not except the mistakes I had made or understood that they were lessons that supported my soul evolution…so I continued to “give up on myself”.